my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
