I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Found the puke drawer
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
