I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize