I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
