I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
