you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
this must be what syphilis tastes like
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
