I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
