I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
