after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
