Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
