The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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