I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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