I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
