I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
