i just had sex bonerless
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
