I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
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