I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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