dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize