Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
