I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
