I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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