I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
