My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
