I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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