Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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