Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
