why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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