I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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