Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
