It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
