guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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