I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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