i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
