New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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