How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
