and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize