I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
