You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
