Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Randomize
