Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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