he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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