Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
