I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
