DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
