WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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