would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
