Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
