The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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