I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
