remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
there is puke in my bra ... again
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