...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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