Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
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