Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
