my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
