Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
