well you can't waste a boner
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
