I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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