Heybabeimwearingurpanties
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
