Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
