Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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