Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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